Thursday, December 22, 2011

Today Begins A New Day

I'm a 44 year-old man with a home life consisting of 2 children under the age six, a wife who works full-time and a home-business that requires nominal supervision yet there's a 24-hour access to my psyche. Oh, and did I mention I don't have a full-time job? I spend my days traveling from this school to that school, picking up and dropping off the children for their classes, therapy sessions and in between try to amuse myself either with reading the Fox News or Rush Limbaugh website. No, I'm not kidding. Have you ever visited these sites and read the content? By no means do I agree with any of it, but to better understand what others believe, you have to see where they get their information. And yes, my IQ drops 5-10 points temporarily every time I spend more than five minutes on the sites. I have to the visit ESPN to even begin to feel like myself again....

Today started like any other - getting the kids ready for school using the same techniques a dentist would use when extracting a stubborn, abscessed tooth;

Step One: Gently massage the gums with a numbing agent (or "Sitting down gently next to the child as they stubbornly cling to Mom")
Step Two: With a massive needle inject the gums with Novocain (or "Tell the child about all the wonderful things they are going to do that day - be as specific as possible")
Step Three: With said pliers, pry the tooth out of the mouth (or "Tear off the sheets and grab the child as they Whine & Wail like a waterboarded Sunni")
Step Four: Fill the whole with dressing to stop the bleeding (or "Attempt to clothe the writhing child as they protest by going limp")
Step Five: Don't eat or drink for 3-4 hours following the procedure (or "Refuse to eat up to 4 different breakfast offerings")
Step Six: Take care of the co-pay and leave the premises (or "Give in to pleading to buy the school lunch instead of brown-bagging it")

That's day - 5 days a week. Like any other parent, you become desensitized to daily the routine, always expecting the same reactions from the rugrats yet subconsciously anticipating a possible change based on their attitude. Whatever. They're kids - let's get them dressed, fed and out the door.

That's my first entry. Let's see how it goes from here.


  1. funny stuff! What happens on the other two days a week? Do you lock them up or make them garden like I saw you doing that one day?